What is a gift? It is an object, token, talisman, favor, service, expression, act, possession, or gesture which one or more persons bestow upon one or more other persons without the expectation of anything in return. That last bit is critical, for without it, the gift is not a gift, but one side of an exchange. Oftentimes, the people to whom we give birthday gifts will reciprocate, but we do not ask or require them to do so. Sometimes, two parties (ex. two indigenous tribes) will meet and will exchange customary gifts, but often this is more properly understood as a bargain in which neither side can negotiate. When family members and friends give each other Christmas gifts, this is still gift-giving and not transacting, because there isn’t any quid pro quo or haggling involved.1
In its uncorrupted form, the giving of gifts is a noble, generous, and beneficent action. In its corrupted form, it is a tool of manipulation that sows distrust. Such can be said of many noble things. Being human beings, we are easily capable of the latter, but if we bear in mind some rules about gift-giving, we can ensure that we do not run afoul of our tendency to sully good things with our own folly.
Nothing in Return:
One problematic corruption of gift-giving is the tendency of human beings to construe gifts as putting one party in another party’s debt. This is why charitable giving in some circles is intentionally kept anonymous. Recipients of largesse are better off not knowing to whom they “owe” their salvation, and benefactors are better off not knowing their beneficiaries.
In many cases, the two parties in a one-sided exchange will agree on some version of, “I owe you one.” This is the sort of mutual exchange of favors between friends that smooths out life and makes interactions pleasant. Mutual exchange, of course, is entirely a good thing when it is consciously agreed to by all involved.
In other cases, while one party may protest that the other owes nothing, the receiving party will still feel some obligation to pay back what is “owed,” and may give a return gift or perform some service or favor which – while not asked for – is usually welcome.
But too often, questions of indebtedness arise when the giving party gives the gift in order consciously to put the other party in his or her debt. Sometimes this is explicit. Often it is implicit, but in either case it is a form of manipulation. Recipients naturally feel uncomfortable and often try to refuse such “generosity,” for which they are rebuffed and rebuked – as if they are the ungrateful ones.
A Claim Upon Another:
The root problem is the belief that giving a gift entitles a person to some claim upon another person. It does not, if it was truly a gift. If it was not a gift, then it should have been an explicit transaction. The two parties should have contracted for it, bartered something, exchanged money, or otherwise ensured that each party walked away fully compensated and entirely free from any false beliefs about claims.
This extends to the gift in question. Some people believe that being the giver entitles a person to some interest or stake or claim in the gift itself. While it may be possessed and used by the recipient, the giver still believes he or she retains some right to determine how or where or when or why or in what matter it is used, re-gifted, dispensed with, or sold.