The Disagreeable Audience
A Story about the Impossible Task of Pleasing Everyone
Jenn got up to address the crowd. She smiled and thanked everyone for being there. She paused for sufficient time to let the talkers finish their conversations. When they didn’t, she went ahead and began.
“It is generally, that is widely, considered that it is good for human beings to be physically fit…”
But she didn’t even get to finish her sentence before someone in the crowd shouted, “That’s ableist!”
Taken aback, she stopped and looked at the fellow who had shouted. “No it’s not,” she said. “A quick look at the athletic accomplishments by para-athletes, wheelchair racers, hand-cyclers, blind hikers, and individuals from all kinds of backgrounds demonstrates that fitness isn’t reserved for able-bodied individuals. But let me start over. Physical health is generally considered good for human beings.”
“You bigot,” someone shouted. “You are marginalizing victims of chronic illnesses.”
“No. I’m not,” Jenn replied indignantly, “I’m saying it would be better if they didn’t have to suffer, but that’s beside the point. The point is that physical health is something good…”
Another onlooked cried, “That’s fat-shaming! You’re shaming obese individuals based on an unrealistic standard and outdated beliefs that health is related to size.”
“But I didn’t say that at all,” said Jenn. “All I said is that generally it is good for people to be healthy.”
“But minoritized individuals don’t have access to healthcare and nutritious food,” yelled out someone in the back, but another crowd-member was already talking over her.
“How do you define good?” she asked. “How can you say that there is one thing that is normative for everyone? You are only speaking from your own narrow experience and you are ignoring the experiences of people from different backgrounds.”
“Ok, I’m sorry,” said Jenn somewhat sarcastically, for she was already getting peeved. “I thought that this was something we could all agree on. I didn’t realize that…”
“Exactly! You didn’t realize you were trampling on the rights of the unseen and unheard…”
“Excuse me,” Jenn said somewhat louder. “Please let me speak. Let me back up, I was trying to…”
“No!” yelled someone else.
“Let’s try something different,” said Jenn. “Let’s try to start by finding something we can all agree on. Health…”
“We don’t agree on health!”
“Fine. How about this one? Human beings generally love their mothers.”
“You bigot! You are erasing and displacing and marginalizing victims of abusive mothers.”
“And she’s using eliminationist rhetoric that is actively killing trans women.”
“And she’s…”
“Please let me talk,” Jenn interrupted, speaking very loudly into her microphone now. “All human beings…”
“What about individuals who no longer identify with your definition of human being?”
“Yeah, what about transhumanists?”
“No! It’s animals. Animals! She is trampling on the rights of animals.”
“No! It’s all living creatures. Why should we prioritize the rights of animal life?”
“No! That is a bigoted statement that totally ignores the rights of nonliving intelligences. My AI girlfriend is not a robot! She is a real person.”
Jenn watched as the crowd began to devolve into disputations between different factions, each of which broke down into smaller arguments between the members of each faction. She banged the microphone on the podium so that a crackle of lightning rippled through the loudspeaker. The crowd stopped to look at her.
“I can’t win, can I?” she asked.
There was a pause. Everyone seemed to look at everyone else. Then, suddenly, spontaneously, the entire crowd erupted into thunderous applause. Some crowd-members stood on their chairs to congratulate her. At last, she had made a remark they not only did not find objectionable but positively worth celebrating.
“Finally,” she whispered to herself. “There’s something we can all agree on.”