Overprotection

Thoughts on safety, society, and growing up as a late Millennial

Photo by Ruel Abadam on Unsplash

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This essay is somewhat thematically related to the two Adulting stories I published this summer, and also to two essays I will be posting next month on growing up (and the failure to do so). Like Taleb’s Incerto, these essays can be read in any order. They both stand by themselves and work together as a series. Down the road, I also plan to devote future essays to exploring similar lines of inquiry to the ones I explore in this essay, including: safetyism, safety culture making people unsafe, legal constraints and lawsuits, outsourcing and victimhood, etc. But I have no timeline for these, nor do I feel the need for one. Hardihood Books is not meant to focus on any single theme or pair of themes.

                What Is Overprotection?

                I define it as taking the goal of protection against harm to its logical extreme. Treating safety as the priority (you can only have one priority by the original definition of that word), to the exclusion of all other individual or societal goods. It is the attempt, by a parent, a society, a school, a government, or a company, to remove any and all risk from life. As a secondary goal, comfort (or the removal of discomfort) slots in just behind safety.

                Safety, comfort, and protection from harm are all good things. After all, harm is bad. Some risks are bad and are worth avoiding. But some risks are good. And some other important goods are crowded out when a society focuses on exclusively on safety. And crucially, systems designed to remove obvious discomforts and harm can contribute to much greater (hidden) harms down the road, much in the same way that preventing all forest fires eventually leads to the mother of all forest fires.

                Finally, if you obsess about removing discomfort and risk, you become defined by both. Overprotection means protection at the level of paranoia. A singular obsession with safety becomes a Sisyphean and self-justifying quest. If you constantly think about whether or not every part of your body is warm, you will never feel truly warm. If you constantly worry about whether or not you are safe, you will never feel safe. Like Ishmael in Moby Dick, sometimes you need to enjoy the contrast created between your cold nose and your warm body.

                Overprotection in Society:

                Overprotection has become the default in modern American society, or at least in most of its mainstream sections. Especially among the well-off and well-educated. While a major manifestation of overprotection is overprotective parenting (and schooling), overprotection does not simply involve the raising of children.

                Overprotective culture occurs on Right and Left, among secular households and very religious, at elementary schools and in universities. While some of it stems from the desire to avoid lawsuit, many other motivations play a role. Mostly, these are good-hearted ones (people are usually overprotective out of misplaced good intentions). But there is also an unfortunate judgmental and nasty side to safety culture. Just ask Lenore Skenazy, known by her detractors as, “America’s Worst Mom” (sadly, that is a direct quotation).

                The trend towards overprotection has been increasing for decades. It is not new. It predated the Internet and smartphones, but both have exacerbated it. Digital technology enables us to live in cocoons of safety, but people have tried to eliminate the deep ends in pools for decades.

                We should not need to read The World According to Garp to understand that overprotective parenting can backfire drastically. Keep in mind that John Irving published that in the 1970s. And yet, if anything, overprotection has only increased. Schools eliminate tag and dodgeball. Some eliminate recess entirely (thereby contributing to a worsening obesity epidemic).

                Every child knows that as playgrounds grow safer across the United States, they also become less fun. In order to make a playground safe, you first have to eliminate the most interesting equipment. Fortunately, most kids learn intuitively how to find danger and excitement on even the most anodyne playground equipment.

                Safety culture contrives to eliminate almost any element of fun from children’s (and adults’) lives. It views children (and adults) as fragile.

                Harm and Risk:

                Physical activity and the outdoors come with the potential for harm. Snakes, spiders, bears, and large dogs might attack young campers. Time in the sun might cause sunburn. Playing in the snow might bring frostbite. Swimming might lead to drowning. Flag football might cause concussions. A motorist might kill a bicyclist. If kids climb trees, they might fall and break their necks. If a teenager lift weights, he might hurt his back. Going outside in the summer might cause heatstroke. An unsupervised child playing in the backyard might be taken by a predator in a white van. Halloween candy might contain poison or needles.

                Both the outdoors, and exercise, have real risks. But while you could avoid those risks by never exercising nor ever going outside, you would face far more serious (and more likely) risks in the long run.

                By “protecting” people from the risks of physical activity and the outdoors, we contribute to an obesity epidemic and far more serious health risks down the road. Also, while certain activities seem risky, or seem to cause harm, in some cases the opposite is true.

                Here are a few examples that fall into the second category.

-          Myth: Lifting Weights Causes Back Injuries. Actually, lifting weights does not cause back injury. Lifting weights improperly can. But many back problems occur as a result of a lifetime of sedentariness and inactivity. In fact, lack of strength and mobility, poor posture, and improper movement cause the majority of back injuries. Lifting weights can actually prevent back injury. Proper weight lifting teaches people how to move their bodies under load. I see many people lift and carry objects in daily life in ways that will hurt them, because they have not learned how to lift or carry properly.

-          Myth: Running is bad for your knees. In fact, running does not hurt your knees. Arthritis occurs at far higher rates among non-runners. Running actually decreases your risk of knee arthritis, because it helps prevent weight gain. Obesity is a major risk factor for arthritis.

-          Myth: Child predators will snatch kids left unattended in the yard. In reality, your kids are more likely to be struck by lightning than taken by a serial killer. As awareness of child kidnappings has increased, incidence has decreased. It was true when Irving wrote Garp, and it is even more true today. Amber alerts make the news. But the media spotlight has just illuminated a problem that always existed. Greater awareness has led to measures that successfully reduce the problem.

-          Myth: Playing outdoors is dangerous for children. It is. But staying inside comes with its dangers. Increased screen time. Increased sedentariness and obesity. Vitamin D deficiencies.

                None of this is to say that the risks of exercise and outdoor activity are not real. You can get sunburn, or frostbite, or heatstroke outdoors. Motorists do kill bicyclists. People do fall out of trees. Athletes can become injured.

                But risk is a necessary part of life. Living requires risk and tradeoffs. Avoiding obvious risks often invites future, hidden risks. I argue people need risk in order to live full lives.

                Also, you can take precautions against these risks. You can exercise and go outside in ways that decrease both the likelihood and severity of potential harm. You can learn to swim. You can learn to bike defensively. You can learn the warning signs of heatstroke or frostbite, and how to save yourself. In other words, you can learn how to handle risky activity with prudence.

                Avoiding risky activities leads to inexperience. Lack of knowledge and lack of experience make you more likely to come to harm. People who spend all their time in air-conditioned environments are more susceptible to heatstroke. Athletes who exercise outdoors can tolerate greater exertion in high temperatures. And they learn to read their bodies better, which means they know when to go inside. Strong swimmers are safer when fishing (or boating, or canoeing, or kayaking, etc.) than people who avoid spending time in the water.

Other Examples:

                A lack of exposure to dirt, allergens, bacteria, and viruses has led to poor immune health and an explosion in allergies. Raising children in overly sterile environments stunts their immune development and can cause (sometimes life-threatening) allergies. It also contributes to weak immune responses against COVID-19 and other viruses.

                Speaking of COVID-19, lack of time outdoors, poor nutrition, lack of physical activity, and poor sleep have all exacerbated the pandemic. Once again, the long-term, hidden risks of not exercising and staying inside can outweigh the short-term risks from exercise or time in the sun.

                Over-prescription and overuse of medications. Overuse (and misuse) of antibiotics has given rise to antibiotic resistant bacteria. In some cases, doctors prescribe antibiotics as a placebo (in order to give the patient a pill to take to get better), even in cases where antibiotics will have no effect on the underlying condition. Antibiotics come with the hidden risk of side effects.

                Over prescription of pain medications has contributed to the opioid epidemic (which killed more people in 2020 than in any previous year).

                When I had my wisdom teeth removed, my parents and I opted for local anesthesia instead of sedation (and we got a little pushback). Afterwards, I was given prescriptions for a high-strength painkiller (not Oxycontin luckily) and an antibiotic. Although I had all four wisdom teeth removed, ibuprofen worked fine to relieve the pain. I did take the antibiotic. But I would not do so again. It was prescribed as a prophylactic against an uncommon infection (if you follow the protocols), and is not commonly prescribed in European countries for the same operation.

                The desire to eliminate all discomfort from life has contributed to the over-prescription phenomenon. Over-reliance on medication leads to dependency. Not just for people who abuse opioid pain medication. For everyone. The more frequently you use ibuprofen, the more you have to take to achieve the same result. If you never take it, it will eliminate your pain when you do take it. The more frequently you use sleeping pills to fall asleep, the more trouble you will have falling asleep.

                (A quick aside: sleeping pills do not actually put you to sleep. They sedate you. They knock you unconscious. You get no actual sleep – you just are not awake. Sort of like a kick to the head without the concussion.)

                Trying to remove all discomfort and risk from life comes back to bite you in the future. No matter what age you are, there are downstream risks and side effects.

Non-Physical Risks:

                Many risks are not physical. Some are cultural. Television, print media, books, and the Internet all contain content that can cause psychological harm. From online pornography to traumatic violence, not all material in books or online is suitable for children.

                But the very real necessity of shielding children from the worst excesses of the culture, when taken to the extreme, can bleed into overprotection.

                An obvious example is banning books. It never ceases to amaze me that this still happens. Schools, libraries, and even government bodies have banned many books, including Slaughterhouse Five, To Kill a Mockingbird, and (ironically) Fahrenheit 451. The highest selling series of all time, Harry Potter, was banned in places for its references to magic.

                Banning usually backfires. For decades (perhaps centuries), it has actually driven book sales (look up “Banned in Boston”). In the late 90s and early 2000s, some religious parents worked hard to keep their children from reading Harry Potter. Most of those children, now adults, have likely read all 7 books or seen the movies by now.

                I would be one of the first to admit that American culture in 2021 is often coarse and crude. Not everything available online today is suitable for children. Much of it is not. Much of it is not suitable for adults. But the solution is not blanket bans.

                Just as a 5-year-old is not ready to drive a car, a 5-year-old is not ready to navigate the fever swamps and darkest corners of the Internet. But a decade later, most parents teach their 15-year-olds to drive cars. When the automobile first hit the market, I doubt most parents fully knew how to navigate the questions of when and how to teach their children to drive. A century later, most do.

                So it is with the Internet, and all forms of media. In the earliest years, shielding is not overprotection, it is natural and expected. Over the course of childhood and adolescence, the goal of parenting evolves towards protecting less and teaching more, such that when a child matures, he or she can navigate the culture on their own.

                Overprotection results from an imbalance. The protective impulse is natural. But so is the impulse to explore and take risks. When we overly emphasize one, to the detriment of the other, overprotection can stifle. Parenting involves both protecting children from what they cannot handle and teaching them to be independent and eventually to handle risk.

                Why focus on parenting and children?

                Overprotected children grow up to become adults who have trouble adjusting to the world. These adults in turn often push society in harmful directions. Overprotection begins with the young, but when those young people grow up, they do not always grow out of it. And society suffers.

A Controversial Example:

                Given the length of this piece, I am going to create a sidebar here where you can read a short essay-within-an-essay on a somewhat controversial example related to parenting and the Internet.

Vanishing Adults:

                Popular media sometimes lambasts the “helicopter parent” phenomenon, but overprotection is not always that extreme. The Millennial Generation and Gen Z are perhaps the two most overprotected generations in history. Millennials seem to finally be coming to terms with this and growing up (the oldest Millennials are in their early 40s and many have their own children). Gen Z will get there.

                This phenomenon has not gone unnoticed. Many have written about it, mostly notably Senator Ben Sasse in his book The Vanishing American Adult. Sasse and others point out that America has a serious generational crisis resulting from the failure of many young people to grow up. One important factor in the “coming-of-age crisis” is overprotection.

                Mental health crises have skyrocketed among young people. Even well before the pandemic. Many factors play into this. Technological trends. A culture that celebrates victimhood. And also several decades of overprotective parenting and schooling.

                Millennials and Gen Z kids grew up with phrases like, “everybody has problems,” or “everybody is hurting inside,” or “everybody is messed up inside.” These phrases contribute to a narrative that imagines every individual as a psychological mess of fears and insecurities. While grief and suffering eventually affect everyone, if this narrative were literally true (i.e., everyone literally struggled to get out of bed in the morning), our society would have collapsed long ago.

                We live in the easiest, most prosperous, most technologically-advanced period in human history. Rising living standards have made it possible for human beings to live lives of true flourishing. Of course, life still involves suffering. And many people do experience real tragedies. But we should also recognize that many of our burdens have been lifted. In so many ways, we do not have to suffer. We can be happy. Technology and capitalism have enabled us to make that choice.

                We should not stigmatize emotional pain. Nor should we stigmatize seeking treatment. But if you tell an entire generation of young people that they are psychologically broken they will believe it. Most people – while they certainly experience grief and tragedy – are quite capable of dealing with life (with the help of friends, families, religion, and civic institutions).

                Overprotection, combined with a narrative that emphasizes trauma rather than teaching people how to deal with it (i.e., actually helping them), has contributed to the crisis of the Vanishing American Adult. The question is what to do about it.

What Not to Do:

                I want to say a quick word about what this essay is not calling for. Just because I explore the harms of overprotection does not mean I am in favor of the opposite extreme. Overindulgence.

                Indulging in a child’s every whim comes from the mistaken belief that, “they’re gonna do it anyway, so we might as well encourage them.” Some people who fall into this camp believe that the denial of impulses is psychologically harmful. If this were true, there would be no sense in restraining children, and much harm in it. In fact, taken to its logical extreme, this belief would suggest that potty training is psychologically harmful.

                The opposite of overprotection is giving children drugs, “supervising” drunken orgies, and actively encourage premarital sex, masturbation, and pornography. Just because you cannot shield a child indefinitely from cultural influence does not mean you should expose your 6-year-old to hardcore porn or death metal.

                Overprotection and overindulgence are two extremes. Societally, and individually, we should strive to avoid both.

What to Do:

                In his book, Senator Sasse offers a variety of suggestions for what parents, educators, and communities can do about the Coming-of-Age Crisis. Notably, his solutions do not involve a role for public policy or government action. His book is well-worth reading.

                I will not attempt to recap his solutions today, but I do want to lay out a few of my own thoughts.

                While every generation has had its own coming-of-age challenges, Millennials and members of Gen Z struggle to grow up in ways their ancestors did not. Centuries ago, most adults knew they were adults when they became adults. Most of them acted like it, because they had to and were expected to.

                Many factors have contributed to the challenges that face young people today. Some have been net positive. Others, including overprotection (individually and societally) and obsession with youth culture, have not – on the whole – been altogether healthy. One of the main drivers of both (obsession with youth and overprotection) is the loss of an understanding of the fundamental goal of parenting.

                The goal of parenting is not to protect children. It is not to bring children to self-actualization. It is not fun. It is not happy memories. It is not preparing children for the standardized tests or optimizing their chances of getting into a prestigious university.

                The goal of parenting is to teach children how to be adults.

                (Fun and happy memories and acceptance to a good university are not bad. They are just less important than teaching children how to be autonomous, capable individuals in their own right.)

                Some people may take issue with this idea. Yet thousands of years of human history and ancient tradition would suggest they are wrong. And biological reality presents us with fairly clear examples of successful parenting in the natural world.

                Many people seem to believe that being an adult is terrible and being a child is amazing. Or that the real world is boring, or evil, or negative, and that childhood is precious and special. (Perhaps many children would disagree, but that is an aside.)

                Some will even argue that I must be unhappy or depressed to say that the goal of childhood is to learn to be an adult. They must believe that any arguments against the preservation of childhood are negative. Perhaps this is because they believe adulthood to be negative and childhood to be positive.

                That is a false belief. Both adulthood and childhood have good and bad aspects, and neither is special. You can enjoy childhood when you are a childhood and adulthood when you are an adult.

                Contrary to prevailing opinion, attempting to preserve childhood forever is incredibly negative and unhappy. It is doomed to fail, which leads to consternation and regret.

                In fact, it is profoundly depressing that millions of people would spend good portions of their lives looking backwards and wishing to return to “good old days,” rather than living happy lives. What could be sadder than spending your days lamenting your lost youth?

                I would argue that attempts to preserve childhood forever destroy mental health. In order to live a happy life, a person needs to adjust well to growing up. Resisting that adjustment can lead to profound unhappiness.

                In October, I plan to publish an essay with a deeper dive into these questions. For now, I want to say that my answer to the coming-of-age crisis is that we need to begin focusing – as individuals and as a society – on raising capable adults rather than prolonging childhood.

                I believe this will actually improve childhood and adulthood. And it will help us to navigate the 21st Century as a society.

What to Do if You Have Been Overprotected:

                But what about right now? The young people who are struggling today? America cannot wait 20 years to raise a new generation of capable adults. It needs Millennials and Gen Z to be capable adults.

                At this point, some readers may have decided that they have led a sheltered life, and that it has left them feeling physically weaker and psychologically frailer. If you find yourself in that camp, my suggestion is that you begin to leave your comfort zone and challenge yourself mentally and physically.

                Most young people do not fall into the “helicoptered” category. If you have to ask yourself whether or not you were helicoptered, you almost certainly were not. But you can be overly-sheltered without being helicoptered.

                By overly-sheltered, I mean people who have trouble dealing with the world, not people whose parents did not let them bicycle on the interstate. If you could not skateboard as a kid, tough beans. (I was not allowed to skateboard, either.) If you were not allowed to go to the movies or play outside, that is a different story.

                If you find yourself in the overly-sheltered category, and you are over the age of 18, guess what? You can now take charge of your own life. If you are legally of age, you no longer have to get your parents’ permission to go out to eat.

                How can you take charge of a previously helicoptered life? By going out and taking risks. Not idiotic risks like jumping off of the Sears Tower. Intelligent risks like running outside during a thunderstorm, traveling in foreign countries, skiing, starting your own business, or backpacking.

                You can also begin to work on your own physical and mental strength, by engaging in physical exercise (especially outdoors), fasting, and taking cold showers. Cold showers not only take you outside your comfort zone, they also have positive physiological effects, some of which can directly impact any insecurities you might have. Some people use cold showers as a treatment for anxiety because the cold water causes your body to release hormones (including norepinephrine) that have a calming effect. I do not suffer from anxiety, but I noticed have noticed this effect. Some people take cold showers before public speaking engagements.

                Whatever you do, start slowly. This is good advice for almost any habit you actually wish to continue. 90+% of those who try to quit smoking cold turkey fail on their first try. New habits are often uncomfortable, especially when one of your goals is expanding your comfort zone. If you try to do too much too quickly, it will backfire.

                Most readers will not have been helicoptered or otherwise severely sheltered. But chances are, if you are a Millennial or a member of Gen Z, you were probably affected by overprotection to some extent. My advice about taking risks and spending time outdoors applies to everyone. No matter what age you are or what background you come from. Modern technological convenience is a wonderful thing, but it can prevent the natural development of hardihood.

                I want to close with a quick plug for a book I will be publishing in the near future. Subscribers will be notified in advance of publication in my monthly newsletters. For everyone else, I will update this post with a link once it becomes available.

                The book is called Grit: A Manual for Developing Mental and Physical Toughness in the Modern Era. I wrote it in part for fellow young people who struggle to grow up and become adults. By no means does it address the challenge of growing up in full. But it does help with cultivating hardihood and living a life of adventure. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea. But I am sure some people will find value in it and that is why I wrote it.

                Next month, I will have two more essays touching on these themes. At least one will be behind the paywall. If you got value out of this post, please consider becoming a subscriber or sharing this essay with a friend.